infant loss

I see a girl…

I see a girl…

I have this photo on my phone of Eva. I spread the apps out across my phone so that there’s a screen with just one app and I can swipe through the screens until I reach her face, free from apps in the way. It’s the face I see before… Read more

Eva’s third birthday

Eva’s third birthday

Eva’s birthday is coming up. April 6th. She would have been three. Every few months I play a thought experiment, and try to imagine both our lives if she was still here. I imagine the big things, her crawling, her hearing sound with cochlear implants, her and I living together… Read more

New photos of Eva

New photos of Eva

I have hundreds of photos of Eva. My phone is never far from me and I used it, a lot, to capture her smile, her successes in tummy time, he cry, I captured everything I could. Even with these hundreds, and the dozens of videos I captured too, there is… Read more

Two years since she died

Two years since she died

It’s hard to believe it has been almost 2 years since Eva died. Eva was only here for 10 and a half months, less than half the time she has already been gone, but I will feel her loss and the hole she left behind her for the rest of… Read more

Dreaming of Eva

Dreaming of Eva

All my life I have had an active sleeping life. I’m a sleep talker. Former sleep walker. I do it nightly, sometimes multiple times a night. As a kid, and well into my teens, I walked in my sleep. When I was 15 my Dad built me a mezzanine floor… Read more

Playing sliding doors

Playing sliding doors

It’s been 18 months since Eva died. Saying that number, 18 months feels cruel. She only lived to 10 months, and already she has been gone longer than she was here. To someone who meets me now, there’s no indication that I am Eva’s mother. No indication that I was… Read more

No excuses: Imagine it

No excuses: Imagine it

“I can’t imagine what you are going through…” It’s a phrase that every parent who has lost a child has heard multiple times. It’s meant well. The speaker wants to let the griever know that they recognise the magnitude of this loss. They’re trying to validate the griever’s feelings by… Read more

Singing in the shower

Singing in the shower

Last night I was talking to my boyfriend about the things we do when no one else is around. He admitted that he sings in the shower – I doubt I’ll ever get to hear it, but it made me smile. He asked if I did, and when I thought… Read more

Mother’s Day – in recognition of a special group

Mother’s Day – in recognition of a special group

It’s Mother’s Day in New Zealand tomorrow. Last year I wrote a sort of ode to the other mothers like me who find Mother’s Day harder than most. I wanted to recognise all of those mothers who weren’t necessarily feeling like the mother they were that day. Perhaps, like me,… Read more

Eva’s things

Eva’s things

I did some clearing today. The day after Eva died, we put all her clothes in bags and cleared her room out so it could be used for her when she came back from the funeral home. Mercifully, I didn’t have to do this task at the time. Ess and… Read more

Learning how to grieve

I’ve been thinking a lot about what grief looks like for different people. I’ve been thinking about when you see death on the news in foreign countries and the people, mothers, fathers, sisters, cry with their whole bodies. They throw themselves on the ground and wail and scream. Their grief… Read more

Thank you and I miss you and I love you

I’m scattering Eva’s ashes this weekend. I’ve arranged for flower petals to scatter with her and I’ve asked the people who will be there to say a few words for Eva. Eva’s foster parents will be there. My parents. My sister and her partner, Eva’s aunty and uncle, will also… Read more