Grief

Eva’s third birthday

Eva’s third birthday

Eva’s birthday is coming up. April 6th. She would have been three. Every few months I play a thought experiment, and try to imagine both our lives if she was still here. I imagine the big things, her crawling, her hearing sound with cochlear implants, her and I living together… Read more

Two years since she died

Two years since she died

It’s hard to believe it has been almost 2 years since Eva died. Eva was only here for 10 and a half months, less than half the time she has already been gone, but I will feel her loss and the hole she left behind her for the rest of… Read more

Playing sliding doors

Playing sliding doors

It’s been 18 months since Eva died. Saying that number, 18 months feels cruel. She only lived to 10 months, and already she has been gone longer than she was here. To someone who meets me now, there’s no indication that I am Eva’s mother. No indication that I was… Read more

What didn’t happen

What didn’t happen

When Eva died, she had so many big things coming up. She was getting her hips and eye operated on. She was going to get a G-tube placed so she could finally have the tape off her face and the NG tube out of her nose. She was going to… Read more

No excuses: Imagine it

No excuses: Imagine it

“I can’t imagine what you are going through…” It’s a phrase that every parent who has lost a child has heard multiple times. It’s meant well. The speaker wants to let the griever know that they recognise the magnitude of this loss. They’re trying to validate the griever’s feelings by… Read more

Eva’s things

Eva’s things

I did some clearing today. The day after Eva died, we put all her clothes in bags and cleared her room out so it could be used for her when she came back from the funeral home. Mercifully, I didn’t have to do this task at the time. Ess and… Read more

Learning how to grieve

I’ve been thinking a lot about what grief looks like for different people. I’ve been thinking about when you see death on the news in foreign countries and the people, mothers, fathers, sisters, cry with their whole bodies. They throw themselves on the ground and wail and scream. Their grief… Read more

Two years ago – where the story started

Two years ago – where the story started

Two years ago I was going to sleep after a frustrating day of expecting labour, and getting not much. I had been induced at 8am that morning with prostaglandin gel. By 8pm that night the minor period-like pains had eased and I was looking at my first night in the… Read more

For my friend

A good friend lost her dad to cancer recently. She was 25. Too young to lose your dad. Of course there’s no age that makes that kind of epic loss ok, but at 25 you’re just really finding your feet as an adult. You need those people in your life.… Read more

I have a voice and I will roar

I have a voice and I will roar

There was a feeling that I don’t think I ever felt before Eva was born that I have come to know now. Before Eva was born I felt twitchy, anxious, like I wasn’t doing enough with my life. I always imagined that I would have written a novel by the… Read more

Eva memories – day 14

Eva memories – day 14

It’s the 24th of February. A year ago today, I had no idea that I had just over 24 hours left with my daughter. I put her to bed and went to bed myself. I woke up around 9.30pm to the sound of her coughing through the monitor and padded… Read more

Eva memories – day 13

Eva memories – day 13

Child birth often comes with so many expectations. It’s why we write a birthing plan. I had so few expectations. I was having Eva in a hospital, with a midwife. Before I knew I was going to be induced I assumed I would play it by ear. I wanted all… Read more