Travel

Almost a year now

Almost a year now

I’ve been back in the country for a little over a week. In that time I took two days to do nothing. Absolutely nothing. I watched TV. I went for a run/walk. I slept. A lot. I cooked for myself. I tried not to think about the impending school year… Read more

Almost a year now

Almost a year now

I’ve been back in the country for a little over a week. In that time I took two days to do nothing. Absolutely nothing. I watched TV. I went for a run/walk. I slept. A lot. I cooked for myself. I tried not to think about the impending school year… Read more

I'm homesick – one week left

I'm homesick – one week left

I’m homesick.  I’ve been missing people since day one. I said a fairly teary goodbye to my boyfriend at the airport in Wellington and almost as soon as I left his side to go through customs I started missing him. Now, that missing has expanded to include him as well… Read more

i fear no fate

i fear no fate

This trip has felt at once exciting and terrifying; exhausting and invigorating.  I have been inspired and anxious, panicky and confident. I have sat for hours in airport terminals and train stations, and slept on planes, trains, air mattresses and couches. I have felt a deep sense of connection with… Read more

Grief is – Emily Rapp and Big Sur

Grief is – Emily Rapp and Big Sur

I’ve been reading Emily Rapp’s book, The Still Point of the Turning World on this trip. I started reading it not long after Eva died but never finished it. I have only finished one book since Eva was born. Wild, by Cheryl Strayed.  Rapp’s book is about her son Ronan… Read more

Ever changing impermanence – or a day at the aquarium

Ever changing impermanence – or a day at the aquarium

Where Eva and I lived together in Wellington, there was a reserve right by us. I would put Eva in the front pack and walk with her down to the reserve. Sometimes I didn’t make it to the bottom where there was a dam, but if I was feeling energetic… Read more

A bit of an indulgence

A bit of an indulgence

I’ve found myself showing the various little kids that I’ve stayed with on this trip videos of Eva. Often they have spotted her photo and pointed at the screen and said, “baby” so I take that as my cue. Or else I’m trying to distract them. Or sometimes I just… Read more

Eyes bigger than my stomach

Eyes bigger than my stomach

When I was a kid my mum used to look at how much food I had on my plate and say, “your eyes are bigger than your stomach”. I would try to argue, but she was usually right. I just wanted to taste it all.  This trip is no different.… Read more

The full force 

The full force 

So many of the mothers I am visiting on this trip have worried about how I will cope being around so many children. They have been concerned, quite realistically, that being around healthy, happy kids will be upsetting to me and remind me of what I have lost.  Truth be… Read more

I won't sit in the waiting place

I won't sit in the waiting place

When you lose someone you love, there are some dates and days that are harder than others. Anniversaries, birthdays, family gatherings, Christmas. They all take on a different meaning. We remember the Christmases we got to enjoy with the people we have lost, and we know that we won’t have… Read more

The City that never sleeps

The City that never sleeps

They say NYC is the city that never sleeps. I don’t know that I’ve been making the most of that aspect of the city, but it did make me think of other things. This city is so big. There are so many people in a relatively small area. Buildings loom… Read more

New York, New York

New York, New York

I so wanted to love this city. And…. I do. The buildings. The busyness. The subway. The Christmas trees on every corner. The pizza. The sky scrapers. The excess and spectacle of Times Square. The architecture and gargoyles. The beautiful interiors of the Public Library and Grand Central Station, which… Read more

Sweet pea

Sweet pea

I have managed to avoid tears on this trip so far. It’s not that I don’t want to cry, but I have just not felt like crying. But then a friend I was visiting in Salem gave me this. And suddenly, I was crying.    My friend had given her… Read more

Lessons learnt along the way

Lessons learnt along the way

I’m realising a few things already about myself on this trip. 1. I like big cities, but at heart I am a small city girl. The city I live in, Wellington, New Zealand, is compact but busy. It packs a lot in to a small space but in the great… Read more

Two stops down

Two stops down

I landed in Minneapolis on Saturday afternoon. As I was walking towards the baggage claim, imagining meeting the first of my Mama facebook group, I started to feel my throat getting thick in anticipationg of tears.  At moments on my flights over here, feelings of panic rose in my chest… Read more

It begins! 

It begins! 

Just a short post to announce my arrival in the States. Sixteen hours of flying and I’m here! I’ve still got a few more to go to get to my first official stop, Minneapolis, but the hard part is over. I thought about Eva a lot on the plane. There… Read more

New beginnings mean saying goodbye

New beginnings mean saying goodbye

In two sleeps I am getting on a plane and travelling to Minneapolis, Minnesota on a seven week journey around the USA to meet some wonderful women. I have been planning this trip since April this year. I started planning it when I discovered that my Mama’s facebook group had… Read more

Meeting the women who held vigil for me

Meeting the women who held vigil for me

It’s Wednesday here in New Zealand. In 10 sleeps I will be getting on a plane at an ungodly early hour of the morning and flying to Minneapolis, Minnesota to stay with the first mama from my facebook mama’s group.  Not long after Eva died, the group, which is a… Read more