Travel

Almost a year now

Almost a year now

I’ve been back in the country for a little over a week. In that time I took two days to do nothing. Absolutely nothing. I watched TV. I went for a run/walk. I slept. A lot. I cooked for myself. I tried not to think about the impending school year… Read more

Almost a year now

Almost a year now

I’ve been back in the country for a little over a week. In that time I took two days to do nothing. Absolutely nothing. I watched TV. I went for a run/walk. I slept. A lot. I cooked for myself. I tried not to think about the impending school year… Read more

I'm homesick – one week left

I'm homesick – one week left

I’m homesick.  I’ve been missing people since day one. I said a fairly teary goodbye to my boyfriend at the airport in Wellington and almost as soon as I left his side to go through customs I started missing him. Now, that missing has expanded to include him as well… Read more

i fear no fate

i fear no fate

This trip has felt at once exciting and terrifying; exhausting and invigorating.  I have been inspired and anxious, panicky and confident. I have sat for hours in airport terminals and train stations, and slept on planes, trains, air mattresses and couches. I have felt a deep sense of connection with… Read more

Grief is – Emily Rapp and Big Sur

Grief is – Emily Rapp and Big Sur

I’ve been reading Emily Rapp’s book, The Still Point of the Turning World on this trip. I started reading it not long after Eva died but never finished it. I have only finished one book since Eva was born. Wild, by Cheryl Strayed.  Rapp’s book is about her son Ronan… Read more

Ever changing impermanence – or a day at the aquarium

Ever changing impermanence – or a day at the aquarium

Where Eva and I lived together in Wellington, there was a reserve right by us. I would put Eva in the front pack and walk with her down to the reserve. Sometimes I didn’t make it to the bottom where there was a dam, but if I was feeling energetic… Read more

A bit of an indulgence

A bit of an indulgence

I’ve found myself showing the various little kids that I’ve stayed with on this trip videos of Eva. Often they have spotted her photo and pointed at the screen and said, “baby” so I take that as my cue. Or else I’m trying to distract them. Or sometimes I just… Read more

Eyes bigger than my stomach

Eyes bigger than my stomach

When I was a kid my mum used to look at how much food I had on my plate and say, “your eyes are bigger than your stomach”. I would try to argue, but she was usually right. I just wanted to taste it all.  This trip is no different.… Read more

The full force 

The full force 

So many of the mothers I am visiting on this trip have worried about how I will cope being around so many children. They have been concerned, quite realistically, that being around healthy, happy kids will be upsetting to me and remind me of what I have lost.  Truth be… Read more

I won't sit in the waiting place

I won't sit in the waiting place

When you lose someone you love, there are some dates and days that are harder than others. Anniversaries, birthdays, family gatherings, Christmas. They all take on a different meaning. We remember the Christmases we got to enjoy with the people we have lost, and we know that we won’t have… Read more

The City that never sleeps

The City that never sleeps

They say NYC is the city that never sleeps. I don’t know that I’ve been making the most of that aspect of the city, but it did make me think of other things. This city is so big. There are so many people in a relatively small area. Buildings loom… Read more

New York, New York

New York, New York

I so wanted to love this city. And…. I do. The buildings. The busyness. The subway. The Christmas trees on every corner. The pizza. The sky scrapers. The excess and spectacle of Times Square. The architecture and gargoyles. The beautiful interiors of the Public Library and Grand Central Station, which… Read more