Anniversary

New photos of Eva

New photos of Eva

I have hundreds of photos of Eva. My phone is never far from me and I used it, a lot, to capture her smile, her successes in tummy time, he cry, I captured everything I could. Even with these hundreds, and the dozens of videos I captured too, there is… Read more

Two years since she died

Two years since she died

It’s hard to believe it has been almost 2 years since Eva died. Eva was only here for 10 and a half months, less than half the time she has already been gone, but I will feel her loss and the hole she left behind her for the rest of… Read more

Learning how to grieve

I’ve been thinking a lot about what grief looks like for different people. I’ve been thinking about when you see death on the news in foreign countries and the people, mothers, fathers, sisters, cry with their whole bodies. They throw themselves on the ground and wail and scream. Their grief… Read more

Thank you and I miss you and I love you

I’m scattering Eva’s ashes this weekend. I’ve arranged for flower petals to scatter with her and I’ve asked the people who will be there to say a few words for Eva. Eva’s foster parents will be there. My parents. My sister and her partner, Eva’s aunty and uncle, will also… Read more

Happy 2nd birthday, Eva

Happy 2nd birthday, Eva

What does Eva’s birthday mean to me? It means a day when I can think about who she was. I can remember her smile and her smell. I can remember her grunts of determination as she rolled herself across the floor. I can think of the way her whole body… Read more

A candle for Eva on the eve of her birthday

A candle for Eva on the eve of her birthday

 As a teenager I loved candles. And incense. My bedroom smelled like a Catholic Church, heady with musty fumes.  I went off them as an adult. They were for romantic dinner tables and birthday cakes, but not for everyday use. Candles belonged with dream catchers and super flared jeans, in… Read more

Two years ago – where the story started

Two years ago – where the story started

Two years ago I was going to sleep after a frustrating day of expecting labour, and getting not much. I had been induced at 8am that morning with prostaglandin gel. By 8pm that night the minor period-like pains had eased and I was looking at my first night in the… Read more

The first anniversary

The first anniversary

365 days have been and gone. Today is the 25th February 2016 and a year ago I held my little girl in my arms alive for the last time. The build up to this day has been really hard. I have not known how to feel or behave. I haven’t… Read more

Eva memories – day 14

Eva memories – day 14

It’s the 24th of February. A year ago today, I had no idea that I had just over 24 hours left with my daughter. I put her to bed and went to bed myself. I woke up around 9.30pm to the sound of her coughing through the monitor and padded… Read more

Eva memories – day 13

Eva memories – day 13

Child birth often comes with so many expectations. It’s why we write a birthing plan. I had so few expectations. I was having Eva in a hospital, with a midwife. Before I knew I was going to be induced I assumed I would play it by ear. I wanted all… Read more

Eva memories – day 12

Eva memories – day 12

When Eva got out of the hospital after she was born she was six weeks old. Still a wee thing, but those six weeks felt like a life time to me. So much had happened and changed. I thought of her as so much older than she was. I remember… Read more

Eva memories – day 11

Eva memories – day 11

Eva was due to have her hips operated on not long after she died. At three months old they realised she had hip dysplasia. I could have laughed I was so angry when the paediatrician told me that. “She’s had her hips checked before,” I told him. “She is seen… Read more

Eva memories – day 10

Eva memories – day 10

When Eva came home from hospital at six weeks old she took no time at all to realise if she fussed enough, I would hold her in my arms all day long. She liked to be held. That was an understatement. Jay and Ess referred to her as my little… Read more

They don't tell you

They don't tell you

Anyone who has lost someone knows that the anniversary is a hard day. We are told to expect it to be difficult. We know the lead up will be tough. We know all this, but it still feels like a shock. It’s like for months I could see the stones… Read more

Eva memory – day 9

Eva memory – day 9

Eva’s first laugh was so amazing. I had seen her smiles. They were fleeting and if you blinked you missed them. But then one day I caught it on camera. I had proof. And she didn’t just smile, she grinned. She didn’t just grin, she giggled. It’s amazing how that… Read more

Eva memory – day 8

Eva memory – day 8

I got really good at driving one handed when Eva was alive. Most of the time she liked the car, but when she was a bit clogged up or sick she got pretty upset. I eventually got a mirror so I could see her, because the sound of her crying… Read more

Eva memories – day 7

Eva memories – day 7

This memory feels a bit general, but it’s inspired by a message I got from my good friend Ess, Eva’s honorary aunty that we lived with together. She had listened to the latest podcast and she sent me the loveliest comment. She said “I can remember you saying to me… Read more

Eva memory – day 6

Eva memory – day 6

Eva and I had one summer together. It was fantastic. Eva was so healthy and making such huge strides in her development. I was confident and calm and really thought I could do it. During that summer we drove up to the Taranaki for a friend’s wedding. I stayed with… Read more

Eva memory – day 5

Eva memory – day 5

I missed yesterday’s memory. I was so busy editing the next podcast that I forgot. It got to be 9pm and my brain was tired. I looked at Eva’s photos and said sorry, I’ll make it up tomorrow. Today’s memory is about realising that communication with Eva wasn’t something I… Read more

Eva memory day 4

Eva memory day 4

When I first took Eva back into my care she got sick. Really sick. The night before I was to pick her up from her foster parents’ house, I got a call at 1am saying she was in the ER having trouble breathing. I remember asking, “seriously?” To which her… Read more

Memories of Eva day 3

Memories of Eva day 3

I had a fairly relaxed attitude when it came to Eva’s physio work outs. I had a lot of equipment, I mean a lot, where I was supposed to put her into all sort of positions to strengthen her neck and core. I did use them, but not as much… Read more

Memories of Eva Day 2

Memories of Eva Day 2

In lots of ways, Eva was a lucky girl. She didn’t have any siblings of her own, but it seemed she was always surrounded by friends. As I’ve mentioned before we lived with my very good friends Ess and Jay and their son Em. Em was only four months older… Read more

Anniversaries

Anniversaries

Eva died February 25th 2015. This makes her anniversary, three weeks away. It’s no surprise that anniversaries for events like this are hard for those left behind. Anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas, any event of importance where the marked absence of that person feels carved in neon lights. For me, the hard… Read more