Eva’s things

Eva’s things

I did some clearing today. The day after Eva died, we put all her clothes in bags and cleared her room out so it could be used for her when she came back from the funeral home. Mercifully, I didn’t have to do this task at the time. Ess and… Read more

Let’s show her what it really looks like

Since posting my letter to Education Minister Hekia Parata, I have had a brain wave. Someone mentioned I should start a petition and I like that idea, but then I got another comment. A mother told me about her two kids who both have special and extra needs. She said… Read more

An open letter to Hekia Parata

Dear Ms. Parata, You’re reviewing and overhauling the special needs education system right now. You’ve said you won’t be increasing the $590 million budget at this time, and instead will be focusing on efficiency and simplification. If you were a real estate agent that’s the equivalent of calling a tiny,… Read more

Learning how to grieve

I’ve been thinking a lot about what grief looks like for different people. I’ve been thinking about when you see death on the news in foreign countries and the people, mothers, fathers, sisters, cry with their whole bodies. They throw themselves on the ground and wail and scream. Their grief… Read more

Thank you and I miss you and I love you

I’m scattering Eva’s ashes this weekend. I’ve arranged for flower petals to scatter with her and I’ve asked the people who will be there to say a few words for Eva. Eva’s foster parents will be there. My parents. My sister and her partner, Eva’s aunty and uncle, will also… Read more

Happy 2nd birthday, Eva

Happy 2nd birthday, Eva

What does Eva’s birthday mean to me? It means a day when I can think about who she was. I can remember her smile and her smell. I can remember her grunts of determination as she rolled herself across the floor. I can think of the way her whole body… Read more

A candle for Eva on the eve of her birthday

A candle for Eva on the eve of her birthday

 As a teenager I loved candles. And incense. My bedroom smelled like a Catholic Church, heady with musty fumes.  I went off them as an adult. They were for romantic dinner tables and birthday cakes, but not for everyday use. Candles belonged with dream catchers and super flared jeans, in… Read more

Two years ago – where the story started

Two years ago – where the story started

Two years ago I was going to sleep after a frustrating day of expecting labour, and getting not much. I had been induced at 8am that morning with prostaglandin gel. By 8pm that night the minor period-like pains had eased and I was looking at my first night in the… Read more