Eva was due to have her hips operated on not long after she died. At three months old they realised she had hip dysplasia. I could have laughed I was so angry when the paediatrician told me that.
“She’s had her hips checked before,” I told him. “She is seen by doctors and nurses and therapists multiple times every week, how could someone not have picked this up?” I was furious.
Because it had been picked up so late she was going to need surgery and then a hip spica cast which would prevent any more rolling for a while.
I was angry because it felt like we already had enough on our plate. I was angry because Eva was rolling and moving and this would take her back to almost square one for a while. I was angry because she didn’t need yet another surgery to add to her list.
Because of her hips her physio told me Eva shouldn’t put any weight on her feet, meaning I shouldn’t let her stand. But in the last weeks of Eva’s life, she wanted to stand. She liked to stand between my legs with me supporting her chest and her head so she could put weight on those gorgeous little legs of hers.
And I let her.
I knew I wasn’t supposed to but she was getting so much pleasure from it and they were going to operate on her either way. What was a little standing going to do now?
We beat ourselves up sometimes as special needs parents. Are we doing enough? Are we clocking enough hours of tummy time? Have we done enough therapy? No matter how much we do, it always feels like we could be doing more. I’m glad I took the moment to enjoy her and make her happy.
Now, looking back, I wish I had let her do it more. Look how happy she was. How proud of herself. She had every reason to be proud and so do I.