The first anniversary

The first anniversary

365 days have been and gone. Today is the 25th February 2016 and a year ago I held my little girl in my arms alive for the last time. The build up to this day has been really hard. I have not known how to feel or behave. I haven’t… Read more

Eva memories – day 14

Eva memories – day 14

It’s the 24th of February. A year ago today, I had no idea that I had just over 24 hours left with my daughter. I put her to bed and went to bed myself. I woke up around 9.30pm to the sound of her coughing through the monitor and padded… Read more

Eva memories – day 13

Eva memories – day 13

Child birth often comes with so many expectations. It’s why we write a birthing plan. I had so few expectations. I was having Eva in a hospital, with a midwife. Before I knew I was going to be induced I assumed I would play it by ear. I wanted all… Read more

We are all different

We are all different

There’s this strange dichotomy in the world of special needs. There’s the parent on the one hand who says, “I love my child and wouldn’t change a thing about them”. And then there’s the relieved mother who gets a 12 week pregnancy scan of her second child, after having a… Read more

Eva memories – day 12

Eva memories – day 12

When Eva got out of the hospital after she was born she was six weeks old. Still a wee thing, but those six weeks felt like a life time to me. So much had happened and changed. I thought of her as so much older than she was. I remember… Read more

Eva memories – day 11

Eva memories – day 11

Eva was due to have her hips operated on not long after she died. At three months old they realised she had hip dysplasia. I could have laughed I was so angry when the paediatrician told me that. “She’s had her hips checked before,” I told him. “She is seen… Read more

Eva memories – day 10

Eva memories – day 10

When Eva came home from hospital at six weeks old she took no time at all to realise if she fussed enough, I would hold her in my arms all day long. She liked to be held. That was an understatement. Jay and Ess referred to her as my little… Read more

They don't tell you

They don't tell you

Anyone who has lost someone knows that the anniversary is a hard day. We are told to expect it to be difficult. We know the lead up will be tough. We know all this, but it still feels like a shock. It’s like for months I could see the stones… Read more

Eva memory – day 9

Eva memory – day 9

Eva’s first laugh was so amazing. I had seen her smiles. They were fleeting and if you blinked you missed them. But then one day I caught it on camera. I had proof. And she didn’t just smile, she grinned. She didn’t just grin, she giggled. It’s amazing how that… Read more

Eva memory – day 8

Eva memory – day 8

I got really good at driving one handed when Eva was alive. Most of the time she liked the car, but when she was a bit clogged up or sick she got pretty upset. I eventually got a mirror so I could see her, because the sound of her crying… Read more

Eva memories – day 7

Eva memories – day 7

This memory feels a bit general, but it’s inspired by a message I got from my good friend Ess, Eva’s honorary aunty that we lived with together. She had listened to the latest podcast and she sent me the loveliest comment. She said “I can remember you saying to me… Read more

Eva memory – day 6

Eva memory – day 6

Eva and I had one summer together. It was fantastic. Eva was so healthy and making such huge strides in her development. I was confident and calm and really thought I could do it. During that summer we drove up to the Taranaki for a friend’s wedding. I stayed with… Read more