The flip side of scary

All the equipment is here. I now just need to test it out, record my first interview and learn to edit!

The podcast is still weeks away from its launch, but it feels so close.

And I’m nervous. I know I put myself out there multiple times a week to whoever wants to read this blog. And there is plenty to be scared about with that. Maybe no one will read. Maybe too many people will read. Maybe I’ll get hate mail. Maybe it will come back to haunt me in future years. But even with all those maybes, there is a certain distance because while I’m very honest in these posts, you can’t see the state I’m in when I type these entries.

You can’t see if I’m crying, or smiling. There’s some distance between myself and the words that appear on the screen. I’ve enjoyed that. Sometimes it lulls me into a false sense of security. I forget that anyone actually reads this thing and I find myself shocked at the realisation that some people know me very very well. It’s very rare that you would get me to say these things out loud. In fact, in person I have been told I can be guarded. I haven’t got much of a poker face, but I also am aware of myself and don’t spill all my feelings in person with everyone.

But the podcast will be different. If something upsets me (and knowing the stories we will be discussing, it will) my voice will catch. You will hear that. You will hear me pause to regroup. I won’t be able to hide behind a keyboard. It’s a level of vulnerability that isn’t there with the blog. I think it’s something that makes podcasting powerful, and it’s one of the reasons I’ve chosen it as a medium, but it’s also scary.

Someone told me recently that I seem confident and sure of myself. Well, truth be told, I’m not. Not really. I know certain things about myself, but most of the time I’m bluffing. I’m pretending to be bigger and stronger and smarter than I feel inside. Fake it until you make it, if you will.

This project scares me. It is scary to try something new, especially when I have essentially no idea what I’m doing. Thank you, YouTube, you have taught me much. Scary to put my story, and others’ stories out there, for people to hear. Scary to jump into something that is so brand new to me with so many people waiting. Scary to hear my New Zealand accent recorded in all its flat-vowelled glory.

But I’m going to do it. It’s scary, but the flip side of the feeling is the excitement that I’m doing something worth while. That these stories might help someone. That some mother or father can listen to an episode and feel less alone is what is making me ignore the scary side and keep moving forward.

One step at a time. Tomorrow, I test the system.

6 thoughts on “The flip side of scary

  1. Lindsay

    I’ve had those same thoughts about being an open blogger and sharing my vulnerability. Sometimes it really takes me aback that people “know” me very well just by reading what I’ve written. In “real life”, I am far more guarded and quiet than I am on the blog. So I totally get where you’re coming from.

    I’m really excited for the podcast. I really love that you’re doing it all – recording, editing, etc…

  2. My Perfect Breakdown

    I too am a lot like you and Lindsay, in real life I can be guarded with my most personal stuff. Here, in the blogging world, I’m open about it all. It’s one thing to write about the tears, its another thing to show the tears in live time.
    I love what you are doing and I hope you continue to challenge yourself and continue to share with the world. You are an inspiration!

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