She had nothing to prove

It’s amazing the little scenarios that shake me up. They are obvious to me, but so benign to others that I sometimes can’t quite figure out how to react in that moment. So I flounder and then fixate on it afterwards. Beating myself up for what I should have said.… Read more

No one else can say that

Since Eva died people have told me about recent research which shows that during pregnancy fetal cells migrate into the mother. Tonight, I sat on my couch, watching TV, drinking wine and I looked down at the pictures of Eva, still to be hung and I felt a physical lurch… Read more

Avoiding the flatline

I wrote a few weeks back about meeting the couple at sign language class with the deaf eight month old daughter. A couple of weeks ago they told me there was a high probability their gorgeous girl was also blind, or at least had visual impairment. When the mother said… Read more

The early days

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She owned me

They say newborn babies have a witching hour. 4pm through till whenever they see fit to sleep. It’s a time of restlessness and tears and screaming. Today, and other days, I feel like my grief has its own witching hour. I had gotten to dinner time today without any tears.… Read more

Mother's day – to all the other mothers

Sunday is mother’s day. It’s a day I’m dreading in a lot of ways. A day that is hanging over me, like Eva’s birthday did a month ago. It feels laden in meaning and everything about it seems to insult me and remind me of what I am and what… Read more

The definition of bittersweet

Most of my posts are written in tears, or shortly thereafter. They often represent the extremes of emotion. I don’t write about the days where nothing happens. Where I teach and eat and sleep and exist. I write when compelled to, which is usually when the pain and hurt is… Read more