No one else can say that

By on May 22, 2015

Since Eva died people have told me about recent research which shows that during pregnancy fetal cells migrate into the mother. Tonight, I sat on my couch, watching TV, drinking wine and I looked down at the pictures of Eva, still to be hung and I felt a physical lurch in my stomach. I felt Read More...



She owned me

By on May 10, 2015

They say newborn babies have a witching hour. 4pm through till whenever they see fit to sleep. It’s a time of restlessness and tears and screaming. Today, and other days, I feel like my grief has its own witching hour. I had gotten to dinner time today without any tears. I had my tattoo finished. Read More...


Mother's day – to all the other mothers

By on May 8, 2015

Sunday is mother’s day. It’s a day I’m dreading in a lot of ways. A day that is hanging over me, like Eva’s birthday did a month ago. It feels laden in meaning and everything about it seems to insult me and remind me of what I am and what I am no longer. I Read More...


The definition of bittersweet

By on May 4, 2015

Most of my posts are written in tears, or shortly thereafter. They often represent the extremes of emotion. I don’t write about the days where nothing happens. Where I teach and eat and sleep and exist. I write when compelled to, which is usually when the pain and hurt is bubbling out of me through Read More...