One last paediatrician appointment

I have only been back to Eva’s hospital once since she died. I was dropping off her unused feeding tubes and I dashed in and out without pausing. I didn’t want to pay for parking. I was in the grounds for under 10 minutes and in the children’s outpatients for… Read more

Quality of life – a crowd sourcing question

I have been reading Emily Rapp’s book, The Still Point of the Turning World. It is amazing. Breathtaking. Thoughtful. Beautifully written. Raw. The section I just finished was around some of the challenging medical questions they had to answer with their son. She addresses the difference between “value” and “quality”… Read more

Too tired to type Tuesday

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A force of nature

Yesterday was a hard day. After a lovely brunch with my sister I came home and felt the two weeks of holidays without much to keep my mind busy piling up on me. I know I shouldn’t complain, and I’m not. I love the holidays that come with being a… Read more

She's in the stars

Sometimes I can go days without crying. I will be busy and my brain occupied and while Eva is always there in my head, it doesn’t bring me to tears. And other days, I look at a photo of her and can’t quite believe her radiant little presence isn’t here… Read more

A collective railing against the world – a collection of essays

When Eva was born and doctors started to deliver the hard news to me about my daughter, I wanted someone to rail against. I’m not religious, so I couldn’t rail against god. I couldn’t blame the doctors, although it felt very tempting at the time. I got angry when people… Read more

Learning one of New Zealand's three official languages

At 5.35pm tonight I was in my pyjamas, halfway through a Corona beer and just starting yet another episode of Buffy for the day. I was congratulating myself on getting so much done today including going for a run, catching up with an old friend, dropping of a bridesmaid’s dress… Read more

The end of an era

Today marked the end of an era. I moved out of Ess and Jay’s house and into an apartment by myself. I said goodbye to the home and household that has provided immeasureable support to me and Eva over the last year. Ess and Jay are private people. Humble people.… Read more

Birds and butterflies for Eva

Today my parents and I let 12 monarch butterflies fly in Eva’s name to celebrate her birthday. We watched them blink into the open light when we took the lid off the box. We watched them flap their wings and get ready, look around at the world and then take… Read more

Happy birthday, Eva

Eva’s birthday started with a 6am alarm and a walk down to the beach to watch the sunrise and think about Eva. I had gone away with some friends and as the sun came up we lit candles and thought about Eva. During the holiday I thought repeatedly about how… Read more

A beautiful, brutal year

This time last year I had been on the petocin drip for a couple of hours already after 2 days in the hospital being induced. I had a half successful epidural that I nagged my midwife to tap up as often as I could and that meant for hours after… Read more

I will survive

I have survived my first term back at school. At the close of the day I sat down for a glass of wine and thought about how I had imagined this moment just six weeks ago. I would have picked Eva up from daycare, a bit earlier than usual. Excited… Read more

Trigger warning

Till very recently, I never really got the whole “trigger warning” thing on the internet. I didn’t really understand what triggering even meant. I had never felt so out of control of my emotions that reading something or hearing something could set me off in a way I felt powerless… Read more