Motherhood – a definition

What does it mean to call yourself a mother? How do you define it? Once you call yourself a mother, what happens to that label, that part of your identity if your child dies? Are you still a mother? How do you keep that part of your identity when to all… Read more

One month – 180 degrees yet again

Tomorrow marks one month since Eva died. One month since my life changed again. In the last year I have been spun 180 degrees time and time again. Each time I have staggered and then found my bearings. Sometimes it took longer to get back on the path than others.… Read more

i carry your heart

I almost feel bad pouring out these words of grief onto the keys each day. My usual worry about burdening others with my own pain flickers in the back of my mind. I know these words have made people cry. Part of me feels bad for that, and part of… Read more

Not "for the best". Never "for the best".

I heard a rumour the other day that made my skin crawl and my stomach lurch I heard that someone in passing had mentioned that Eva’s death was perhaps “for the best”. I heard that and my skin went hot and prickled. My fists bawled up. My stomach knotted. I… Read more

Grief, it gnaws

I picked up Eva’s ashes yesterday. The funeral director gave me a hug and told me if I needed anything to let him know. I walked down the street to my car carrying the white bag. The weight felt flimsy in my hand. Heavier than I’d expected, but lighter than… Read more

Wordless Wednesday

I miss this girl. Read more

Occasional Grief of a Special Needs Momma

Occasional Grief of a Special Needs Momma

She gets me everytime. EVERYTIME. Read more

Three weeks

It has been three weeks since Eva died. In some ways that night feels like a lifetime ago. In others I feel like I’m in it all the time. I don’t feel traumatised by it but occasionally I do find myself replaying scenes in my head. There are a few… Read more

She was worthy of my rage

I’m tired. I feel like Eva and I had built up so much momentum. We were in a routine. We were a well oiled machine. I was on top of her appointments and surgeries. I had relief days organised for doctor’s visits and I had got packing her nappy bag… Read more

Sanctuary

People always feel like words aren’t enough in a time of grief. Words won’t make it better, no. They won’t bring the person back, or patch the break, or seal the wound. But they do have power. They can’t fix, but they can comfort. They can’t fix but they can… Read more

The cup of grief

Today was my first day back at work. Firsts are hard. I felt a tiny bit rusty in front of the students, but otherwise ok. I didn’t cry in front of any classes. Tears weren’t on the agenda for most of the day. I felt pretty confident and focused while… Read more

Fugee love

There are so many people I need to thank since Eva has died. This past year since Eva was born I have needed help and support more than any time in my life. This hasn’t always been a comfortable position for me. I like to be relatively self sufficient. I… Read more

Grief is its own master

Grief is a strange thing. Each person experiences it differently and moves through it at their own pace. Even within one person it’s not consistent. From event to event my own grief is different and within the same event it differs too. At different times of the day I feel… Read more

Eva spreads awareness

Yesterday an old classmate from journalism school interviewed me about Eva for The Dominion Post newspaper. He got in touch after seeing her death notice in the paper over the weekend and having a look at the blog. He wanted to do a story on the gutsy awesome kid that Eva… Read more

Hindsight is 20/20

Hindsight is 20/20 right? There are so many things I wish I could tell this woman in the weeks after Eva was born. I don’t know if I would have listened, but I would have liked to have tried. Some of these are things people did in fact say to me,… Read more

Eva's service

It’s the day after Eva’s funeral. The guests have gone. The speeches have been written and read and I am alone for the first time in days. It feels good, after all the activity, to just sit and think about Eva, without any distraction. It hurts. But it feels good.… Read more

How to remember Eva

I just wanted to pop in here quickly and say thank you. Since my last post, and Eva’s death, I have received a huge amount of support from old readers and new. I have seen tributes to Eva pop up all over the place and each of them fills me… Read more